The joke thread
- Thread starter Gombur
- Start date
Scarce
Pet Keeper
- Nov 2, 2007
- 614
Joke 1 :
If you think life is bad.... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up.... Your life ain't that bad!
Joke 2:
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
Joke 3:
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD ...... Get your own fucking blanket!!!
Joke 4:
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
If you think life is bad.... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up.... Your life ain't that bad!
Joke 2:
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
Joke 3:
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD ...... Get your own fucking blanket!!!
Joke 4:
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Scarce
Pet Keeper
- Nov 2, 2007
- 614
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see .... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see .... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see.... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see .... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see .... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see.... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Which artist has the most hits of 2008?
Rhianna
If a fat girl falls in a forest and theres no one there to see it..... do the trees laugh?
Two Dyslexics working in a kitchen. The first say's "Can you smell Gas?" The second replies "I can't even smell my own name!!"
Rhianna
If a fat girl falls in a forest and theres no one there to see it..... do the trees laugh?
Two Dyslexics working in a kitchen. The first say's "Can you smell Gas?" The second replies "I can't even smell my own name!!"
Croga
Says funny things =)
2 lesbians went to the doctors yesterday suffering from depression, the doc says "here ill prescribe you this good drug, its called tridixagen"
- Aug 26, 2005
- 10,227
Sorry, Dutchies only 
=====================
Drie dames - een getrouwde vrouw, een verloofde dame en een minnares - zijn aan het praten over hun relaties en besluiten alle drie hun mannen eens te verrassen.
Ze zullen de volgende avond alle drie een leren bodystocking in SM-stijl dragen met hoge stiletto's aan hun voeten en een masker over hun gezicht. Na een aantal dagen spreken de drie vrouwen elkaar weer....
De verloofde vrouw vertelt: toen mijn vriend thuis kwam, lag ik verleidelijk - compleet in leren outfit, stiletto's en masker - op de sofa. Mijn vriend zei: "Jij bent de vrouw van mijn dromen, ik hou van jou!" En vervolgens hebben we de hele nacht seks gehad.
De minnares: Ohh Ja! Ik had die avond met mijn minnaar op zijn kantoor afgesproken.
Ik had het masker over mijn ogen, de leren bodystocking, de stiletto's én een lange regenjas aan.
Toen hij de regenjas opende, zei hij geen woord. We hebben alleen superhete, heftige seks gehad op zijn bureau, de hele nacht door.
De getrouwde vrouw vertelt: Ik had de kinderen naar mijn moeder gebracht. Ik heb de leren bodystocking, de stiletto's en het masker aangetrokken.
Mijn man kwam thuis van zijn werk, haalde een pilsje uit de ijskast, ging in zijn luie stoel zitten, pakte de afstandsbediening van de tv en zei: YO BATMAN! WAT ETEN WE?
=====================
Drie dames - een getrouwde vrouw, een verloofde dame en een minnares - zijn aan het praten over hun relaties en besluiten alle drie hun mannen eens te verrassen.
Ze zullen de volgende avond alle drie een leren bodystocking in SM-stijl dragen met hoge stiletto's aan hun voeten en een masker over hun gezicht. Na een aantal dagen spreken de drie vrouwen elkaar weer....
De verloofde vrouw vertelt: toen mijn vriend thuis kwam, lag ik verleidelijk - compleet in leren outfit, stiletto's en masker - op de sofa. Mijn vriend zei: "Jij bent de vrouw van mijn dromen, ik hou van jou!" En vervolgens hebben we de hele nacht seks gehad.
De minnares: Ohh Ja! Ik had die avond met mijn minnaar op zijn kantoor afgesproken.
Ik had het masker over mijn ogen, de leren bodystocking, de stiletto's én een lange regenjas aan.
Toen hij de regenjas opende, zei hij geen woord. We hebben alleen superhete, heftige seks gehad op zijn bureau, de hele nacht door.
De getrouwde vrouw vertelt: Ik had de kinderen naar mijn moeder gebracht. Ik heb de leren bodystocking, de stiletto's en het masker aangetrokken.
Mijn man kwam thuis van zijn werk, haalde een pilsje uit de ijskast, ging in zijn luie stoel zitten, pakte de afstandsbediening van de tv en zei: YO BATMAN! WAT ETEN WE?
A blonde goes to a Mediamarkt.
She asks the shopkeeper: "Can I buy that TV?"
But the shopkeeper answers: "I don't sell to blondes."
She really wants that TV, so she dyes her hair and goes again.
She asks the shopkeeper: "Can I buy that TV?"
But the shopkeeper answers: "I don't sell to blondes."
But, she really, really wants that TV, so she shaves her head and goes again.
She asks the shopkeeper: "Can I buy that TV?"
But the shopkeeper answers: "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde is puzzled, and goes a last time, but not to buy the TV.
She asks the shopkeeper: "How did you know I was blonde?"
The shopkeeper answers: "That's no TV, it's a microwave!"
She asks the shopkeeper: "Can I buy that TV?"
But the shopkeeper answers: "I don't sell to blondes."
She really wants that TV, so she dyes her hair and goes again.
She asks the shopkeeper: "Can I buy that TV?"
But the shopkeeper answers: "I don't sell to blondes."
But, she really, really wants that TV, so she shaves her head and goes again.
She asks the shopkeeper: "Can I buy that TV?"
But the shopkeeper answers: "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde is puzzled, and goes a last time, but not to buy the TV.
She asks the shopkeeper: "How did you know I was blonde?"
The shopkeeper answers: "That's no TV, it's a microwave!"
Joyma said:Sorry, Dutchies only
=====================
Drie dames - een getrouwde vrouw, een verloofde dame en een minnares - zijn aan het praten over hun relaties en besluiten alle drie hun mannen eens te verrassen.
Ze zullen de volgende avond alle drie een leren bodystocking in SM-stijl dragen met hoge stiletto's aan hun voeten en een masker over hun gezicht. Na een aantal dagen spreken de drie vrouwen elkaar weer....
De verloofde vrouw vertelt: toen mijn vriend thuis kwam, lag ik verleidelijk - compleet in leren outfit, stiletto's en masker - op de sofa. Mijn vriend zei: "Jij bent de vrouw van mijn dromen, ik hou van jou!" En vervolgens hebben we de hele nacht seks gehad.
De minnares: Ohh Ja! Ik had die avond met mijn minnaar op zijn kantoor afgesproken.
Ik had het masker over mijn ogen, de leren bodystocking, de stiletto's én een lange regenjas aan.
Toen hij de regenjas opende, zei hij geen woord. We hebben alleen superhete, heftige seks gehad op zijn bureau, de hele nacht door.
De getrouwde vrouw vertelt: Ik had de kinderen naar mijn moeder gebracht. Ik heb de leren bodystocking, de stiletto's en het masker aangetrokken.
Mijn man kwam thuis van zijn werk, haalde een pilsje uit de ijskast, ging in zijn luie stoel zitten, pakte de afstandsbediening van de tv en zei: YO BATMAN! WAT ETEN WE?
Three women - a married woman, a fiancee and a lady lover - to talking about their relationships and decide all three men agree to their surprise.
She will next night all three in a leather bodystocking SM style wearing high stiletto to their feet and a mask over their face. After several days the three women together talking again ....
The betrothed woman says: when my friend came home, I was tempting - complete in leather outfit, stilettos and mask - on the sofa. My friend said: "You are the woman of my dreams, I love you!" And then we had sex all night.
The mistress: Ohh Yes! I had that night with my lover at his office agreed.
I had the mask on my eyes, the leather bodystocking, the stiletto and a long raincoat on.
When he opened the raincoat, he said a word. We have only super hot, intense sex had on his desk, the whole night.
The married woman says: I had the children brought to my mother. I learn bodystocking, the stiletto's and mask attracted.
My husband came home from work, took a beer from the fridge, was sitting in his chair, grabbed the TV remote and said: YO BATMAN! WHAT WE EAT?
Merlijn
Shadow Master
- Mar 11, 2009
- 2,284
Babelfish ftl Arly? :cry:
I'll try manual translating and hope not to use too much Best Buddy english :angel:
Three women - a married woman, a fiancee and a ladylove - are talking about their relationships and all three decide to surprise their men.
The next night all three of them will be wearing leather bodystocking in SM style with high stiletto heels and have a mask over their face. After several days the three women speak each other again....
The fiancee says: When my friend came home I was temptingly - complete in leather outfit, stillet's and mask - lying on the sofa. My friend said : "You are the woman of my dream, I love you!" And then we had sex all night.
The lovelady: Ohh yes! I agreed on going to my lover's office that night.
I had the mask over my eyes and was wearing the leather bodystocking, the stiletto's and a long raincoat.
When he opened the raincoat he didn't say a word. We had super hot, intense sex on his desk all night long.
The married woman says: I had brought the children to my mother. I put on the leather bodystocking, the stiletto's and the mask.
When my husband came home from his work he took a beer from the fridge, went to sit in his lazy chair, grabbed the TV remote and said: YO BATMAN! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
I'll try manual translating and hope not to use too much Best Buddy english :angel:
Three women - a married woman, a fiancee and a ladylove - are talking about their relationships and all three decide to surprise their men.
The next night all three of them will be wearing leather bodystocking in SM style with high stiletto heels and have a mask over their face. After several days the three women speak each other again....
The fiancee says: When my friend came home I was temptingly - complete in leather outfit, stillet's and mask - lying on the sofa. My friend said : "You are the woman of my dream, I love you!" And then we had sex all night.
The lovelady: Ohh yes! I agreed on going to my lover's office that night.
I had the mask over my eyes and was wearing the leather bodystocking, the stiletto's and a long raincoat.
When he opened the raincoat he didn't say a word. We had super hot, intense sex on his desk all night long.
The married woman says: I had brought the children to my mother. I put on the leather bodystocking, the stiletto's and the mask.
When my husband came home from his work he took a beer from the fridge, went to sit in his lazy chair, grabbed the TV remote and said: YO BATMAN! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
