The joke thread
- Thread starter Gombur
- Start date
An elderly man walks into a confessional. He tells the
priest, 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of
70 years, many children and grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to
a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?"
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody.'
priest, 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of
70 years, many children and grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to
a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?"
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody.'
i'm surprised he remembered it.
wait that reminds me of one!
an elderly man is sitting on a park bench crying, so I go over n ask him what's wrong.
"I'm 75 years old, and I recently married a Playboy Bunny, won the lottery AND a years supply of Viagra, this girl has a larger sexual appetite than the normal appetite of Ozzi(yeah i threw an ozzi joke in there too) she wants it five times a day and often gets her playboy bunny friends to join in/watch/video it. this is the best time of my life."
"oh" I replied "so these are tears of joy?"
"no" he sobs, "I've forgotten where I live"
wait that reminds me of one!
an elderly man is sitting on a park bench crying, so I go over n ask him what's wrong.
"I'm 75 years old, and I recently married a Playboy Bunny, won the lottery AND a years supply of Viagra, this girl has a larger sexual appetite than the normal appetite of Ozzi(yeah i threw an ozzi joke in there too) she wants it five times a day and often gets her playboy bunny friends to join in/watch/video it. this is the best time of my life."
"oh" I replied "so these are tears of joy?"
"no" he sobs, "I've forgotten where I live"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
The bank manager looks back at her and says....
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan....... His old
man's a Rolling Stone.'
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
The bank manager looks back at her and says....
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan....... His old
man's a Rolling Stone.'
Plog
Clevery Guy
- Aug 26, 2005
- 2,473
A man is lost in a desert and is in desperate need of water.
Then suddenly he sees a group of colourful tents in the distance.
He approaches the first tent.
'Water, water' he begs, the man in the tent replies 'Sorry all i've got is this custard.'
Confused the man walks to the next tent.
'Water, water' he begs, the man in the tent replies 'Sorry all I have is this red jelly.'
The man even more puzzled walks to the next tent.
'Water, water' he begs, the man in the tent replies ,Sorry all I have is this cream and sprinkles.'
The man really confused now says, 'What's going on here, why does no one have any water?'
The man in the tent replies, 'I know, it's a trifle bizzare (bazaar)'
I like that one
Then suddenly he sees a group of colourful tents in the distance.
He approaches the first tent.
'Water, water' he begs, the man in the tent replies 'Sorry all i've got is this custard.'
Confused the man walks to the next tent.
'Water, water' he begs, the man in the tent replies 'Sorry all I have is this red jelly.'
The man even more puzzled walks to the next tent.
'Water, water' he begs, the man in the tent replies ,Sorry all I have is this cream and sprinkles.'
The man really confused now says, 'What's going on here, why does no one have any water?'
The man in the tent replies, 'I know, it's a trifle bizzare (bazaar)'
I like that one
Scarce
Pet Keeper
- Nov 2, 2007
- 614
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
Scarce
Pet Keeper
- Nov 2, 2007
- 614
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Scarce
Pet Keeper
- Nov 2, 2007
- 614
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!