The joke thread

A

Arly

Non-Shouter
Oct 3, 2007
1,733
A man visits his doctor for a health check.
"I'm afraid that I am going to have to ask
you to stop masturbating', says the doctor.
"Oh no, why is that?' asks the worried patient.
"Well, I am trying to examine you" replies the Dr,
"And it is really putting me off".

:hi:
 
A

Arly

Non-Shouter
Oct 3, 2007
1,733
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...'

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting........

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
 
K

kokko

Guest
A little boy comes home from first grade and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "As
Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get angry at me for giving someone a
valentine?"
The father thinks for a moment and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a
valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," the boy says.
"Why Osama ," his father asks in disbelief.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine,
he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw
what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd jump with joy. And then he'd go all over and tell everyone how much
he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Father's heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."
 
A

Arly

Non-Shouter
Oct 3, 2007
1,733
Q: Why do I call my dog Blacksmith?
A: Because every time I have a visitor, he makes a bolt for the door.

:cry:
 
A

Arly

Non-Shouter
Oct 3, 2007
1,733
Three parrots are for sale.
They cost £100, £200 and £15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to
live in a brothel."
The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says,
"F**k me a new brothel!"
The woman laughs.
Her two daughters come home, the parrot says
"F**k me new prossies!" The girls laugh.
The husband come home and the parrot says
"F**k me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks".
 
K

Khalo

Guest
vywolf.png
 
Braque

Braque

Member
Dec 14, 2005
2,256
A dad is in a restaurant with his son. The young man is demonstrating how he can catch a pound coin with his mouth after flipping it in the air. Suddenly he starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes he has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the mall, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the mall.

Reaching the young man, the woman carefully unzips his pants takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds he convulses violently and coughs up the pound coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the lad, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replies,' I work for the Inland Revenue.
 
Braque

Braque

Member
Dec 14, 2005
2,256
One atom says to the other: "I've lost an electron".
The other replies: "Are you sure?"
Two which the first returns: "Yes, I'm positive."
 
L

Lafielle

Well-Known Member
Apr 14, 2007
205
Customs
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
 
Toba

Toba

Loves the Leader and the Leader approves.
Aug 19, 2008
489
One friend to the other, what happend to your face, you look like you took a beating.
He explains "well i got home yesterday, and my wife said to me "Lets go make love like they do in movies"

And i was game, so i Ripped of her new Dress of, F***ed her in the Ass, and came all over her face while i called her a cheap slut........

I guess we don't watch the same movies......................

Just got it on an email so don't blame me :p
 
Bani

Bani

Member
Apr 13, 2007
1,238
Berlin
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him that I'd like a second opinion. He said, 'Alright, you're ugly too.'
 
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