The joke thread
- Thread starter Gombur
- Start date
Whats brown and runs around the garden?
A fence.
Whats brown and appears outside your window?
A poo on a stick.
A fence.
Whats brown and appears outside your window?
A poo on a stick.
A Dutch family goes on a shopping trip.
While they're in a sports outlet, the youngest picks up a German football shirt and says to his big sister, 'I've decided to support Germany and want this shirt for my birthday.'
His big sister becomes angry and bitchslaps him: 'Are you crazy? Go talk to your mother about this.'
So, the small boy takes his shirt, goes up to the mother and says 'I've decided to support Germany and want this shirt for my birthday.'
The mom is outraged and bitchslaps him twice: 'Are you out of your mind? Go talk to your dad about this.'
Going over to his dad, the boy says: 'I've decided to support Germany and want this shirt for my birthday.'
His dad goes totally bonkers and slaps the little boy completely silly: 'No son of mine will EVER walk around in such a shirt!!!'
Roughly half an hour later, the whole family is in the car on their way back. The father turns around to his son and says, 'Son, I hope you learned something today.'
'Yeah Dad, I did.'
'Let's hear it then.'
The son replies, 'I've only been a supporter of Germany for an hour and I already hate the Dutch!!'
While they're in a sports outlet, the youngest picks up a German football shirt and says to his big sister, 'I've decided to support Germany and want this shirt for my birthday.'
His big sister becomes angry and bitchslaps him: 'Are you crazy? Go talk to your mother about this.'
So, the small boy takes his shirt, goes up to the mother and says 'I've decided to support Germany and want this shirt for my birthday.'
The mom is outraged and bitchslaps him twice: 'Are you out of your mind? Go talk to your dad about this.'
Going over to his dad, the boy says: 'I've decided to support Germany and want this shirt for my birthday.'
His dad goes totally bonkers and slaps the little boy completely silly: 'No son of mine will EVER walk around in such a shirt!!!'
Roughly half an hour later, the whole family is in the car on their way back. The father turns around to his son and says, 'Son, I hope you learned something today.'
'Yeah Dad, I did.'
'Let's hear it then.'
The son replies, 'I've only been a supporter of Germany for an hour and I already hate the Dutch!!'
Lai
Member
- Apr 23, 2006
- 435
Things heard in court:
Q: What is your day of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q:This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: and these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: Was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: What is your day of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q:This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: and these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: Was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please,
barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one
yourself."
"Well thank you, sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone
their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same
again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me, sir, but
don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender
flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
Twenty minutes later the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double
whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling
at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "You get nasty when you drink!" :cry:
_________________________________________________
An extremely drunk fellow decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs
up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot. Eventually, he
stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go.
Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole in the ice.
Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The
drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore
the voice and carries on sawing.
Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He
looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.
"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up
your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."
"Who are you?" shouts the drunk guy.
"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"
barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one
yourself."
"Well thank you, sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone
their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same
again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me, sir, but
don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender
flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
Twenty minutes later the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double
whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling
at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "You get nasty when you drink!" :cry:
_________________________________________________
An extremely drunk fellow decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs
up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot. Eventually, he
stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go.
Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole in the ice.
Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The
drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore
the voice and carries on sawing.
Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He
looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.
"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up
your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."
"Who are you?" shouts the drunk guy.
"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"
There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you
have a wank, do you think?
a) You need more time together
b) She's a prude
c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?
have a wank, do you think?
a) You need more time together
b) She's a prude
c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?