The joke thread

Gombur

Guild Mascot
Sep 21, 2005
2,238
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She has also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again.

She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They have set up a hut, there is fruit on the trees, and they are in heaven. Cindy has fallen madly in love with our man, and they are making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he is looking kind of glum.

"What is the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I am in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"

"Sure," she says, "if it will help."

He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it is really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.

He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,"Dude! You will never believe who I am sleeping with!"
 

Braque

Member
Dec 14, 2005
2,256
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers.

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
 

Zula

Well-Known Member
Jul 3, 2007
108
what do the titanic and the sixth sense have in common?

Icy Dead People
 
OP
Gombur

Gombur

Guild Mascot
Sep 21, 2005
2,238
While we're pending moderation (I hope) its time for this

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
 

Joy

Administrator
Staff member
Aug 26, 2005
10,227
I suggest Gilbert and Oaker spend some more time reading about history instead of jokes....

Keep the good ones coming :mrgreen:
 

Braque

Member
Dec 14, 2005
2,256
I was walking down the road the other day, this chap drove up beside me and said: "Excuse me, mate, I'm in a dilemma." I said: "Aye, good motors, Dilemmas. I was thinking of buying one myself. A red one perhaps."
 

Braque

Member
Dec 14, 2005
2,256
On the way to work this morning I saw a bloke standing on a Hovis bun, so I went up to him and I said: "Hey, what are you doing?", to which he replied: "Not now mate, I'm on a roll".
 

Braque

Member
Dec 14, 2005
2,256
A man goes to the doctors with a carrot in his ear, tomato sauce in his eye and a pea up his nose.

Before he can even begin to explain, the doctor says…”your not eating properly”.
 

Gymlee

Member
Aug 26, 2005
337
Joyma said:
I suggest Gilbert and Oaker spend some more time reading about history instead of jokes....

Keep the good ones coming :mrgreen:

Did you accidentally delete those good jokes as well? :p
 

Ribena

Member
Jan 19, 2006
410
I say: dude

I say: is your profile picture made of updog

Andreas says: what's updog

I say: NOT MUCH MAN

I say: WHATS UP WITH YOU

Andreas says: ......


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andreas appears to be offline and will receive your messages after signing in
 

Gink

Member
Nov 25, 2005
2,799
noooooooo, was thinking more of how it fits the level of conversation i have with Lin too :p
 

Arly

Non-Shouter
Oct 3, 2007
1,733
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish
under his arm. "Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.
"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.

"Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under
his arm, "It's his birthday."

:cry:
 
P

Punchy

Guest
There's three football teams in the English leagues that have swear words in their names. Here's two of them....







sCUNThorpe
ARSEnal






Name the third.

(yes its a joke....)
 

Gink

Member
Nov 25, 2005
2,799
So these two sheep were standing on a field.
One says: "Bææææææææææææh...."
The other says: "Fuck you, man! I was gonna say that."