WoW strategy guide

[Bani]

some of this stuff makes frightening sense

World of Warcraft is an exciting Massively Multiplayer Roleplaying Goose, where jerks with no lives are allowed to live out their fantasies of being a jerk in the mystical lands of Azeroth. Since everyone either plays this game, or talks endlessly about quitting the MMORPG they are currently playing for this game, this one goes out to all my thugs in Alonsus.

Server
Choose a server type that's right for you. Player Versus Everyone servers are for complaining about other players and wishing you could kill them. Player Versus Player servers are for complaining about other players that can kill you, and wishing you had the level, gear or talent to kill them. Role Playing servers are for complaining about other players, and pretending that you had killed them for the glory of the Elvish Kraken Goddess or whatever bullshit your DM told you was too lame for Dungeons and Dragons.

Please take heed that of the players you wish to kill, they will usually be on your own side. Blizzard insists this is working as intended. Remember: the server you select will be one you complain about until Character Transfers are allowed, so choose wisely.

Name
Give your character a unique name. Be sure to stand out from the other Sephiroths and Thralls that probably play on your server. If ZeldaKillaz is not your style, try to choose a name that is extremely difficult to type out. Anything that sounds like it could be a backwoods city in Iceland is a good place to start so use umlauts, accented e's and as many silent X's as possible -. Qualzu is a decent start, but QÆlzüÈnlktn sounds like one bad ass paladin. If they can't type out your name, they can't add you to their ignore list.

Class
This is your first MMORPG, and you want a fun experience that is action packed, dynamic, carefree. You want to kill shit quickly, not worry about being attacked, and with very few responsibilities. Play what everyone else does - a rogue. Sure, everyone that plays Warcraft will tell you that everyone is a rogue - that's because Rogues are enjoyable to play. They will say that there are too many dagger-wielding assholes, and that your endgame is going to consist of creating a macro declaring "Looking for group anything PST". Well, the other classes don't have any fun at all. Tanking is bullshit. Healing is for sissies. You have a 30-day trial period, and you are certain you won't become addicted like the 2.3 million other rogues that play.

Newbie?
Sure, you could ask a guard where the inn is, but there are thousands of players online, a plethora of misinformation via the General Chat. The tooltips that Blizzard has implemented are just there to confuse you, and it's not like you were gonna read that quest that Centaur just gave you. The only way you are ever going to find out what that "Breath" bar is by spending five minutes in the water asking everyone on your continent. If anyone suggests picking up the manual or using one of the many resources online for newer players, report them.

Goal of the Game
Make your Numbers as high as possible. One of the primary goals of WoW is to make every number you have as big as possible, except your Spirit stat. Spirit is worthless. The larger that number is, the more unplayable your character is. The tiny gain it gives to your HP/MP generation it grants, is not worth the tradeoff for the undocumented effect it has on lowering your rolls on your Class Specific Loot.

In fact, some extremely rare loot has the chance of giving you negative spirit, making it in high demand among melee classes. Things like passive effects, character appearance, or "maintaining a healthy social life away from the computer" have nothing on making your numbers bigger. If someone has numbers higher than you; call them a faggot, blacklist their entire guild, and report them for exploiting game mechanics

Proffesions
The only profitable tradeskill is being a female. Play as a girl. Do not ever, EVER, even hint that you are male unless you dislike getting free gold from desperate nerds. Most players should be skeptical that every elf with long hair and boobs is offering to dance for him in her underwear for gold, especially because the game has been live for more then a few years now. Well, you can be a female Tauren with one horn, mange and the name BullBalls and still be solicited for whispered chat companionship. In a pinch for that sword you want to purchase? Tell your group that you are AFK because your period started, and come back to a myriad of invitations to be their online mistress. Mining/Skinning has nothing on the amount of profit that Gold Digging brings in.

Loyal to your Faction!
Be patriotic. Part of the fun of World of Warcraft is the tension caused by having two warring factions. Play into this as much as possible to heighten your enjoyment of the game and the enjoyment of everyone around you. Start by making a macro for the "/spit" command. If you should encounter a player 10 or more levels below you, press it several times while running after them.

Wait to engage them until they are being attacked by monsters or you have several friends to back you up - this is called strategy. After killing the player, be sure to stick around to make the concept of "resurrecting" as challenging as it is impossible. If you are Alliance and that Orc helps you kill that unexpected mob while you are at your last breath, be sure to thank him, /bow, rest up, then report him to a GM for ruining immersion. Same goes for any player that destroys you, then camps your corpse for the next hour - all members of the opposing side are cookies assholes with no concept of honor.


Duels
Lay Down the Law in Duels. When you duel someone, you are giving them your valuable time. They should, therefore, be happy to consent to a fight on your terms, so don't hold back out of politeness. Chances are they accidentally declined your last seven challenges. Demand your satisfaction! Some abilities are just unfair and don't deserve a place in honorable battle.

Some good guidelines to set before the duel is to disallow hunters using traps, rogues stealthing, warriors disarming, warlocks fearing, paladins bubbling, paladins healing, shamans touching the keyboard, and mages casting spells. Also, throw them a bone by starting slow and ramping up the difficulty. Duel first without restrictions, and only after you lose to their unbalanced abilities should you speak up. Eventually you will have them right where you want them: in a battle where they are allowed to do nothing but auto-attack and watch. If they still beat you, insist they are using pots, trinkets, or hacks, /spit, and report them.

Enjoy the game the way you want to!
Play things the way *you* wish to. Most of the skills that the game offers are really just suggestions, and should have no bearing on the way you want to play. This advice is not only suited to having a good time, but also economical. Want to play a Shadow Priest? Don't even bother learning your new heal spells past level 10 and watch the savings pile up while the faces melt off. Lockpicking is for criminals - explain that to your group two hours into Blackrock Depths when the prisoner you came for needs to be let out. Knowing your role in a group is as easy as knowing thine self - do a little of everything.

However, if you are a shaman, druid, or paladin do only one thing and do it poorly. If anyone asks kindly for the occasional heal, or maybe would like a resurrection because everyone but you died because of the lack of occasional healing - do that hearthstone thing you like so much. The only reason they are complaining about you is jealousy for all that fun you are having.

Mana is for pussies
There is no such thing as Mana. World of Warcraft is an innovative MMORPG, as it has convinced all melee classes that there is no such thing as Mana. All classes operate on Energy or Rage - which replenishes itself. If your healer is complaining about your recklessness, tell him to go beat on a monster with that Staff he's carrying or just wait 15 seconds. If for some reason the Mage is just using his wand while angrily sending you tells about something involving getting something to drink, /ignore him for lacking playskill.

Create a good group
Create a good group. Most of the expert, advanced content relies on being in a balanced group of 5 or more people. A balanced group should consist of a Hunter, Three Rogues and a "Utility" player, such as a healer or a Tank. The best way to go about creating a group for an instance is "/y LFG 4M full on rogues no fags no girls PST". Go ahead and bind this to a macro so you don't have to type it out every 15 seconds.

When someone is advertising they are "looking for one more, healer only" be sure to tell them to invite your Rogue - you've got First Aid at 220 so everyone's good to go (provided they give you Mageweave Cloth). Also when joining a group for an instance, be sure to be queued for Battlegrounds and have as many prior obligations as you can before starting the instance, that way if you get bored you have other things to do. It's just a game - everyone will understand when you go AFK unannounced for 15 minutes to go smoke.

Your lewt!
When in a group, roll on everything! WoW, much like Diablo 2, is about collecting as many items as possible. Just because you can't use it is shouldn't stop you from rolling on that plate helm - a patch could later give the ability for Mages to wear it! Being an Enchanter (or even remotely considering reskilling for it) means rolling on each Rare item that drops is like picking herbs for an Herbalist. The concept of "Need" and "Greed" rolls is vague: if your character NEEDS gold, roll on the Bind on Pickup Warrior-only .0002% drop rate Axe of Doesn't cookies Drop - its 5 gold to a vendor. People that roll greed on trash drops are just failing to realize how expensive Epic Mounts are.

If you are set as the master looter, be sure to only let rolls for items occur during intense combat, in a five second window to ensure you are only rolling to yourself. If you are not the master looter, the first time you lose a roll on an uncommon drop quit the group, pull a ton of monsters, leave the instance then spend the next hour in Ogrimmar yelling in detail how the "fagots" unfairly "ninja'd" the item from you. Then report them

Talk
Be sure to announce everything you do with macros. Communication is the most important thing in your relationships with the group. Casting Flash Heal is one thing. Try setting up this beauty though:

"Shadowshade is casting Flash Heal on SoonToBeDead, Level 48 Female Undead Warrior"

"Shadowshade casted Flash Heal on SoonToBeDead, Level 48 Female Undead Warrior",

"SoonToBeDead, who is a Level 48 Female Undead Warrior, is now at 100% Health because of Shadowshade's Flash Heal"

"Thanks me, Shadowshade, for that Awesome Flash Heal on SoonToBeDead, the Level 48 Female Undead Warrior"

Treat Getting Aggro Like a Competition.
Combat isn't any fun unless the mob is fighting you back, so be sure to do as much damage as possible. Those damage and heal charts you post in the raidchat after/during every pull are the only accurate gauge of skill, and you need to be the absolute best. Area of effect damage is the easiest way to prove you are number one, and I'm sure the priest will understand that.

Getting aggro is easy too: convince that warrior he's not doing his job properly with Presence of Mind, Pyroblast, Flameblast, and Cone of Colding the target right after he charges it. Two tanks in the group? Go ahead and let them fight it out on the same monster, and deal with the other three elites when the first one is dead. Energy spent on Feint is energy you are not Backstabbing with, and you can dodge 20% of attacks headed at you anyways.

Crowd Control is also for Pussies.
You are a busy player: you've got loot to ninja, lvl 10s to grief, and there's some asshole selling an item you want in the AH for too much that needs to be reported. Needless to say, you don't have time for this sap/sheep bullshit. If Blizzard thought you couldn't handle the 7 Elite Dragonkins at the same time, they wouldn't have put it in the game. Ignore the concerns of your party members, claiming that its faster to spend 15 seconds casting Shackles on a Zombie then it is to spend 15 minutes walking back from the Graveyard to Blackrock Mountain -- the /follow player command works even in death.

Never accept fault for anything.
Some say that accepting the fact that you can make mistakes is a sign of maturity. Well, the second you hit level 20 is the day you became a real mature man - and men don't make mistakes. Fortunately for you, there are PLENTY of things you can blame the fourth wipe they think you've caused.

It's the latency's fault you couldn't stop pressing Backstab - share your concerns about your internet service provider, computer manufacturer, and Blizzard. It's the horde's fault you keep dying - shamans are clearly overpowered, Will of the Forsaken wrecks your character class and Blizzard clearly favors them over the Alliance. It's the healers fault you all died to the 3rd pack of mobs you pulled - take the time sprinting back to Uldaman to express your differences with that fuckmouth cloth wearer who for some reason, lacks the same endless ability reservoir your Warrior does.. It's the Alliance's fault you keep dying - paladins are invincible, Perception wrecks your character class and Blizzard clearly favors them over the Horde. It's your guild's fault, your fictious girlfriend's fault, Hurricane Katrina's fault - the possibilities are endless. Be sure to report them all.
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[Gombur]

Funny read and lots of truth in it

 

[Stuvvie]

I'm convinced

 

[Bani]

Apparently from the same source

If you're like me, you probably spend a lot of time in the restroom at work, sitting in the toilet stall, quietly sobbing to yourself and writing blood-soaked messages on the tiled wall pleading for Satan to deliver you from the inanity of your moronic coworkers. But this brings to mind a few questions: Is it really proper to write in blood on a bathroom wall, or would the standard sharpie pen or clumsy knife etching be more appropriate? Is it considered impolite to take three-hour naps in the one-and-only toilet stall in the building, forcing your coworkers to empty their bowels in a sink or trashcan, or worse yet, run across the street to use Taco Bell's facilities? The sad fact is, a lot of people don't know how to properly behave in a public restroom. Sure, it's one thing when you're in the privacy of your home and you can urinate in the shower or take a shit in your roommate's clothing hamper all you like, but when you're in public, there are certain expectations on how you should act.

Fortunately for you, I've been carefully observing other people's bathroom behavior for years, and I believe I've compiled a comprehensive understanding of what is and is not acceptable. Unfortunately for the ladies, my observations are solely based on behavior in the men's room. I don't know what the hell you crazy broads get up to in your bathroom, but I can assure you I know all about the comfortable couches and the magazines. So I figure you can just substitute everything I say about the urinal for "fancy frou-frou bidet" or "spinning vagina pleasure brush" or whatever it is you have in there. The rest of it probably still applies. Much of this article centers around the workplace, where we are forced to spend most of our time getting to know and hate our coworkers, but this also goes for restroom usage at shops, restaurants, and other public (I almost wrote "pubic", hee hee!) places as well. And remember, these aren't hard-and-fast rules so much as guidelines meant to increase your comfort in the restroom and help you develop an understanding of basic bathroom sociology.

The Urinal

Next to the sink, the urinal is the most common place for uncomfortable social interaction in the restroom. Depending on the size of the restroom, you could have anywhere from one to twenty urinals to choose from, and choosing the right urinal is important, because if you choose poorly you'll end up looking totally gay. Never, ever use a urinal next to one that someone else is using (unless all the others are in use, and even then it's a bit iffy), because that sends off a very clear signal to that person, and that signal is that you would very much like to cookie them.

Sometimes people will try to make small talk while you're both using the urinals, which can be very uncomfortable. The important thing to remember is that some small talk is acceptable, as long as you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT make eye contact with them. Making eye contact while using the urinals is yet another signal that you're quite interested in getting to know them biblically, and that's probably not a signal you want to send. Not looking at their junk also goes without saying.

Another important thing to remember is to make sure you shake "it" after using the urinal. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen a small puddle on the floor in front of the urinal, because people can't seem to remember the simple act of shaking. The proper way to do this of course is to tightly squeeze "it" between your thumb and forefinger while gyrating your hips around in a circular motion, as if you were using a hoola-hoop. If anyone gives you a funny look while you're doing this, it's because they're obviously one of the assholes who creates those puddles in the first place.

NOTE: If you happen to be totally gay, then feel free to ignore all of this. In fact, it'd probably be fun to go out of your way to make the other people as uncomfortable as possible.

The Stall

The toilet stall provides some comfort by affording you a degree of anonymity that the urinal does not, but it's when you're sitting with your pants around your ankles that you're also at your most vulnerable. Make sure that when you hear someone else enter the restroom, you cough, grunt, or make some other kind of obvious noise to signal your presence. This will ensure that you'll avoid the possibly embarrassing situation of another person merely thinking an unoccupied stall door is jammed and kicking your door down to see you going about your business. Of course, if it turns out that person is only in the bathroom to staplegun anybody they find in the stalls, then coughing is actually a bad move.

Contrary to what medical "science" will tell you, you actually can get AIDS from a toilet seat, but only if the prior occupant hasn't gotten up and left before you sit down. Still, "they" say that toilet seats are often cleaner than your cubical desk, though I've still yet to see a coworker actually eat their lunch off a toilet (while I've seen many eat at their desks). The people who say that also have never worked with any of my coworkers, who evidently take great delight in leaving piss, turds, or even a dead baby smeared all over the seat. If you're going to get "messy" while you take care of business, at least have the courtesy to clean up after yourself. I know it can be embarrassing when there's only one plunger available and it happens to be in the bathroom on the other end of the building (or even the supply closet for some unknowable reason) and you have to make a mad dash back to the bathroom holding a plunger up like you're practicing for some weird low-budget Olympic event where they can only afford a plunger instead of a torch, but your coworkers will appreciate your sacrifice, after they're done laughing at you.

Many people can't actually poop if there are other people around to hear them, so it's fairly commonplace to sit and wait until the other person in the bathroom leaves. Sometimes however, you'll encounter someone who won't leave, for whatever reason, and god only knows what they're doing out there, just standing and not making any noise, and they're not even anywhere near the sink anymore and it's almost as if they're standing there specifically waiting for you to make some kind of embarrassing noise. Worse yet is when you have two people in the stalls who can't go if someone else is around to hear them. This situation turns into a contest of wills that can go on to uncomfortable extremes, until one person finally stops caring, at which point they'll inevitably make the loudest, most embarrassing noises that are humanly possible. Though I have not actually heard of this happening, it's entirely possible that people have ruptured their bowels and/or died during one of these Mexican standoffs (especially if actually relating to Mexican cuisine).

One situation where you will want (in fact, you are almost obligated) to make as much noise as possible is when someone walks into the restroom talking on their cell phone (especially if it's one of those annoying "Borg" earpieces). No one wants to imagine that the person on the other end of their phone is peeing or pinching a loaf while they're conversing, so you're pretty much honor bound to let the person on the other end know about how inconsiderate their conversation partner is being. If you can't make loud, obnoxious noises au natural, then fake farting with your hand pressed to your mouth is acceptable along with several flushes of the ol' porcelain god.

It is considered courteous to flush in the middle of your business if it's smelly enough to trigger a Vietnam flashback (particularly if you've never been to the 'Nam). However, the "convenience" of many modern self-flushing toilets often makes this impossible, or at least difficult, for in the best case scenario you often have to contort yourself into an extremely uncomfortable position to reach the annoyingly tiny little manual flush button, if you can even find it.

Some people also find public restrooms to be appropriate places to change their clothes. This can make for some very awkward situations, particularly when they opt not to use a stall, or when they stop and ask you for some help. If someone asks you to do this, it's perfectly acceptable to a) spray them with the fire extinguisher or b) spray them with your own urine. Also, some people like to have sex in public restrooms. This is usually (mercifully) done in the stalls. While you or I may not understand why some people feel turned on by the idea of making love amid other people's stink, it obviously gets some people's engines running. The best way to respond to this is to ignore them and simply go about your business as usual, but try to do it as loudly as possible to completely ruin the mood.

The Sink

The sink is without a doubt the most social spot in the restroom, where you're probably going to get roped into some kind of awkward interaction whether you like it or not. In the work restroom it is one of the most common places for meaningless small talk with coworkers, although in other public places it is still considered creepy to talk to a total stranger here unless you're going to make a brief comment about a) the state of the sink area itself, b) the mess you found in one of the stalls but assuredly did not create yourself, or c) the weather. Much like at the urinal, direct eye contact here is frowned upon, though it is considered socially acceptable to make brief eye contact with the other person's reflection only.

Many people skip the hand washing stage altogether. This is not good, as you will be labeled completely gross for doing so. Some people wash their hands, but they'll skip the drying stage, opting to either drip their way back to their desk, or they'll stand in the center of the room and spastically shake their hands as if they are covered with bugs. Many restrooms these days have automatic paper towel dispensers, which can be annoying when they jam up, and can also make you feel rather stupid for waving hello to a machine. It is also important to remember when throwing away your paper towel to actually aim in the general vicinity of the trash can, and if you do miss, please have the decency to pick up after yourself. All too often, a public restroom trashcan will have a collection of wet paper towels surrounding it, and those paper towels may as well be banana peels, because one false step onto them could land your ass on the floor.

One apparently popular sink activity is to leave a gigantic puddle of water in front of the actual sink basin itself, so that when people lean forward to wash their hands, they'll get the front of their shirt or pants completely drenched, so they have to walk back to their desk looking like they've totally pissed themselves. You can avoid that embarrassment by rapidly rubbing down your crotch with a paper towel, creating enough friction to warm (and thus dry) your pants quickly. However, if someone happens to walk in and catch you doing this, they'll either think that a) you've totally just pissed yourself or b) you're engaged in some bizarre form of masturbation. And that can be even more embarrassing than walking back to your desk with a wet crotch. One strategy to avoid coworkers noticing your wet crotch as you walk back to your desk is to cover your crotch with a strategically placed sheet of paper (just make it look natural), or to draw attention away from your crotch by pointing at the ceiling while looking puzzled or surprised.

Some people will take their cup of coffee into the bathroom with them and leave it resting on the sink (or worse yet, the top of the urinal) while they handle their business. This is a foolish thing to do, as anyone with a lick of common sense knows that as soon as you take any food (even chewing gum) into the bathroom, it is irrevocably contaminated, and you may as well just pour some mercury into your coffee too if you're still going to drink it at that point. One way you can teach those people a lesson is to make sure you move your drippy wet hands directly over their coffee as you move them from sink to paper towel. Urinating into their coffee may be tempting, but it's hard to urinate at the sink without being noticed, and coffee has a tendency to be quite hot. And believe me, you don't want your naughty bits decorated in third-degree burns.

That pretty much sums up the lesson. I've taught you everything I know about restroom etiquette. Hopefully now you'll be better prepared to deal with the inevitably awkward social encounters you'll be forced into (pun not intended), and you'll know what to do the next time you find someone squatting naked over the sink and pouring soap all over their nipples. Did I remember to cover that point? Anyway, from now on you should be able to do it loud, do it proud, and walk into that restroom with confidence!

 

[Bigglesworth]

I actually laughed IRL at a lot of points in that article. I don't usually do that, as i'm a boring ass. Thanks for sharing

 

[Stuvvie]

I found that aswell a while ago, lost the link tho Thanks SD